No. 238 – Vanishing

Performer: A Perfect Circle

Songwriters: Maynard James Keenan, Billy Howerdel

Original Release: Thirteenth Step

Year: 2003

Definitive Version: None.

OK, I’m going to lighten the mood a bit today, and what better than another rom-com? At least I participated in the comedy instead of just played the target in this one.

As I mentioned, when I moved back to Columbus in 2004 to take the job as official scorer for Clippers games, Laura’s friend Kathy set me up with one of her work associates in April. The first two dates with Vicky went pretty well—you might recall we ended the second one making out in her car—so I was looking forward to the third date.

When the current homestand ended, we’d go the next Friday out for dinner and a movie, and—if all went well—back to her place for some adult extra-curricular activities. But … I was getting something of a funky vibe from Vicky.

When I suggested the date originally during our second date, she was all for it, but when I called her a few days later to firm up plans, she was a bit dodgy. Here was the problem: I was to go over to Vicky’s place in Hilliard to pick her up, but when I asked for directions, she balked. She said to call her Friday—the day of the date—and she’d supply the proper information. OK …

I think you can tell what’s coming, right? I certainly had a good idea. Friday rolled around and … nothing. I didn’t hear from Vicky, at all. Giving her enough time for her to get home from work, about 4, I called after not hearing anything and left a message on her answering machine.

I decided to proceed as though this were normal. Time was growing short, so I dressed and headed out to Hilliard. I figured I’d get close and try again. Hilliard was only a few miles from Dad and Laura’s house, so it was no big deal. Again, all I got was Vicky’s answering machine when I called.

OK, I’m not an idiot, or at least I’m not stupid. I knew I was being stood up—I had an indication that this would happen from the moment Vicky refused to give me her address—but I decided I wasn’t going to just slink off with my tail between my legs. You want to play a game? I LOVE playing games. I’m good at them, and I have nothing better to do tonight; I’m in.

I decided to smoke Vicky out and make her at least tell me like an adult that she didn’t want to go out with me. I called Kathy and explained the situation—that I hadn’t heard from Vicky as I had been supposed to. I said I was concerned that something might have happened to her. Was she sick? Kathy said Vicky had been to work that day (I assumed as much) and seemed fine. She said she had another phone number for Vicky—it was to her mother’s home.

Sitting in my car in the parking lot of a Hilliard strip shopping center on an overcast April night, I called Vicky’s mother. Hi, Vicky’s mother, you don’t know me, but I have a date tonight with your daughter. She was supposed to call me, but I haven’t heard from her, and I’m worried that something might have happened to her. Have you heard from Vicky at all? Is she all right?

I’ll never forget what happened next. “You’re … WHO?” I re-explained the situation, and Vicky’s mother said, “Hold on a second …” My jaw dropped when I heard her put the phone down. Oh no … you got to be kidding me! Indeed, a few seconds later, a different voice was on the other end of the line. Guess who?

I just hit the jackpot, but I continued playing the game I was forced to play. I feigned surprise to hear Vicky’s voice and expressed my concern. I hoped my sneer didn’t come over the phone too loudly. Vicky then admitted what I already knew: Yes, she didn’t want to go out with me. She decided it was too much or whatever nonsense she made up to justify her actions. I didn’t rip her—what good would that have done—but I just said I wished she had told me from the beginning that this was the case. She agreed, and that was that.

How awesome is that? Rather than tell me the truth, she not only bailed but HID AT HER MOM’S HOUSE, and I tracked her down. It was awesome and more than a little pathetic. And I thought I’d left junior high 25 years ago …

So I drove home, disappointed that what seemed to be a promising beginning to a new relationship flamed out but a bit buoyed by the fact that it flamed out so spectacularly. That I wasn’t the only one who was humiliated that night didn’t hurt.

When I arrived, less than an hour after I left, Dad and Laura asked what happened. I explained as matter of factly as I could and then asked what was for dinner. I don’t remember the answer, but they had more than enough for me, and we all watched Master and Commander, so I got my dinner and movie after all. Dad and Laura were sympathetic, but what happened was so crazy that I couldn’t help but smile.

Kathy, on the other hand, didn’t take HER humiliation as kindly. Apparently, she ripped into Vicky the next time she saw her at work for her lack of maturity, and that was pretty much the end of their relationship.

Kathy said through Laura that she wanted to make it right by me and set me up again, if I were willing. I was game—I LOVE games. I had but one request: Can we make sure Bachelorette No. 2 at least is a grownup?